The wages of sin will be taxed
by Lynn Harsh

House Democrats released their budget proposal for this year and it blew away my ignoble contemplation that government should be listed as a dependent on my tax return. Truly, theirs was a budget written by the gods. Who else could define and punish a new category of sin? Who else could properly sort the sinner from the saint. It required an enlightened people, set apart from us mere mortals.

How would simple people have determined that fish mongers and others who deal in raw meat by slaughtering animals or wrapping their carcasses for consumption are not participating in sin and should not face an additional tax penalty?

Could anyone else have seen that those who sell food for "immediate consumption on or near a location at which parking facilities are provided primarily for the use of patrons in consuming the products purchased at the location, even though such products are sold on a takeout or to go order and are actually packaged or wrapped and taken from the premises of the retailer" are blatant abusers and, therefore, must submit to taxing penalties?

Some Republican and Democrat budget gods have known these things for years.

They had already exposed the sneaky people who partake of "medicines and preparations in liquid, powdered, granular, tablet, capsule, lozenge, and pill form sold as dietary supplements or adjuncts." Those furtive ingrates were slapped with a tax penalty years ago.

But this year, the Democrat budget gods were able to expose a new sin. They revealed the true and evil nature of candy. Great care was exercised to determine that this foul substance is a "preparation of sugar, honey or other natural or artificial sweeteners in combination with chocolate, fruits, nuts, or other ingredients or flavorings in the form of bars, drops, or pieces" — Unless it contains flour or requires refrigeration. Flour and refrigeration prevent sin! Who knew?

The Democrat budget gods did.

And they boldly identified the egregious sinners who now will face the grim penalty of their choices. This includes children who previously hid behind their mothers' skirts, masquerading as little innocents sucking on sweets. The new sinners were added to an already large congregation of malcontents, and new commandments were written to guide them.

Users of candy will face the same judgment as those who partake in gambling and use alcohol and cigarettes. The wages of sin are taxed! But the gift they give is more revenue collected to do good and wonderful things for the people employed by the budget gods.

We can be grateful the budget gods' collection plate, though full, was not full to overflowing this year, or this sin might never have been confronted.

The handmaiden of the budget gods, the Department of Revenue, will give sinners and saints, otherwise known as taxpayers, written instructions on how to comply with the new commandments. Any attempt to evade the commands will result in a "further penalty of fifty percent of the additional tax found to be due."

Some wily candy makers will try to get around the commandments by adding a pinch of flour to their ingredients, or they will recommend we refrigerate their evil products. Their strategy will backfire, and those cheaters will be uncovered and brought to justice.

Still others will buy their sin in a different state, or they will stop sinning altogether. Then the contents in the collection plate will be reduced once again, encouraging the budget gods to scour our lives for new sin to uncover. Milkshakes and fruit drinks, sliced cheese and bakeries that sell beverages in unsealed containers are on the slippery slope.

Some unrepentant sinners will want to stop this tax increase, but the budget gods have decreed an emergency, so it cannot be done by mere mortals. It can only be stopped by rival budget gods.

Let this be a warning: The wages of sin are steep, and so are the taxes upon it.

Note: This was written before the budget negotiations were final. Hopefully the rival budget gods prevailed, but the newsletter insert should tell "the rest of the story." And for you bureaucrats reading this who always feel compelled to send me gnat-like corrections that are irrelevant to the big picture—like "it's sexist to say handmaiden instead of handperson"—this is parody . . . humor! You remember humor. If you really feel compelled to correct me, dust yourself down with flour first and meet me in the refrigerator.

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